Sunday, April 24, 2011

Somewhere in Time...

I opened the glove compartment in my car yesterday, looking for a pen most likely. I had forgotten about Noah's socks. I found two mismatched socks a few months ago under the seat when I was vaccuming out my car. I don't remember what kind of day I was having but I really needed that "sign" that day. Also with the socks was a foam letter "V". I knew that had fallen out of one of Hal's clown bags while moving. But the letter "V" was my favorite to hear Noah say. It was so joyful..."Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!".

So these socks and the "Veee!" are in my glove compartment. Seeing them was like that scene in "Somewhere in Time" when Christopher Reeve accidently sees the penny in his pocket. Seeing that tangible object from the future while he is still in the past throws him into a tailspin and breaks the spell. I slammed the glove compartment shut quickly. I needed to reconcile realities in an instant. Socks are here...Noah is not.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Off Kilter

Taking a break at work...just feeling off kilter today. There was a small piece of my birthday ice cream cake in the freezer. A small piece still in the big sheet cake sized box. I'm eating the crunchies. Stacy says you can request "extra crunchies" when you special order from Carvel. Who wouldn't want extra crunchies?

Friday, April 15, 2011

"My, what lovely fallopian tubes you have, Mrs Landis!"

I had a test called an HSG today. They shoot dye into your uterine cavity and if it flows through and out of your fallopian tubes, you're in good shape. I felt physical pain for the first time in a long time today, which I guess is a good thing in a way. It hurt like a sonofabitch!! Like, about to faint hurt.

When I sat down in the waiting room, atop 50+ magazines was an old Family Circle magazine. The cover photograph was a pictureof  pink peonies in a vase. That was a sign from my mother that she was with me. Peonies were her favorite flower. She even had small section of tiles over her kitchen sink that was the prettiest painted pink peony. Hal and I brought her back a Chinese watercolor of a pink peony from this little store in Salem we wandered into. And for her birthday or mother's day one year, I brought her a vase filled with that fake gelatin/water stuff and silk white and pink peonies. I know she's with me when I need her.

Big day at work tomorrow. Kathy Benziger of Benziger wines is coming for a tasting. Very excited to meet her...and taste! I hope I can keep the coughing fits to a minimum.

Stopped for stuffing at Boston Market on my way home from test...not sure why. Wholly disappointing and won't be doing that again.

Had a dream I cut my hair into a bob ...with bangs.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Passover whine...

I got my business cards today. It's the second time in my life I've had my own business card. I wonder who decided on my title though...
Erica Landis
Enthusiastic Wine Professional

Is that opposed to "Blase` Wine Professional" ? Regardless, I'll take it. I am enthusiastic...

Today was the first day of my pre-procedure antibiotic. I feel like it made me stinky. And my hot flashes were out of control today. I'm gearing up for IUI this month (intrauterine insemination) with hormone injections nightly. Hal mixes the vials together and I give myself the shot. Hal does this funny thing with his tongue while measuring the medicines into the syringe. He moves his tongue back and forth like one of those thingies that sits on top of a piano and keeps time. Ticktockticktockticktock...He concentrates so hard. The shot doesn't hurt at all into my belly, alternating sides nightly. But the hormones sting and burn as they go in. But pain doesn't bother me at all anymore.

I tasted some NJ wines today. Surprisingly good but I doubt we'll bring any in. I opened for the tasting bar 3 old standbys. BLBL Toscana (sangiovese, cab, merlot, syrah), Vinea Tempranillo (aged 18 months in oak and another 24 months in the bottle before released). and Bear Print Chardonnay (Santa Barbara County- fruit upfront and switches mid palate to pronounced oak).

My fellow tribal members (Jews) are driving me nuts with their Passover wines. It's almost like it's confrontational when they ask me for Passover wine. Only when I try to help them in their selection by first identifying myself as a "member of the tribe" do they take a deep breath and realize they're in friendly territory.

I go for a test tomorrow called an HSG. They stick a catheter filled with contrast dye up into my hoo-ha and takes a looksee at what's going on in there. I hear it hurts but, again...who cares.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Life Part II...

My life changed on July 10, 2010. That day my son drowned in a pool. He was 21 months old and his name was Noah. Seeing his name in print makes me feel like he wasn't all a dream. I'm still not quite ready to write about it but I know in time it will come out. Where my life has gone since that day is what I want to focus on, with inevitable tie-ins to my life before that day all coming out as they seem good and ready. This journey, after the death of a child, can't be rushed. The journey back from the saddest of sadnesses to the "new reality" as I've seen it called in self-help books

I had been looking for a job for a few months when the accident happened. We had seen the poster go up in the window for the new Stew Leonard's Wines that screamed "Now Hiring!". We wrote down the phone number and I began bracing myself for entry back into the workforce after being a stay-at-home-mom for almost 2 years. Noah was ready for school. Then the accident...

The Rabbi left the hospital after there was nothing more for him to do. He turned on his car radio to 88am and immediately was listening to a PSA for water safety, read by Stew Leonard Jr, telling the story of how he lost his 21 month old son Stewie, the exact same seconds. The Rabbi told the story of insane coincedence at Noah's funeral. I just remember Cantor Novick standing behind me playing with my hair and holding Stacy's hand on the left and Hal's hand on the right. I remember letting loose one of those gutteral cries at one point during the service.

A few weeks later I was interviewing for a job. I was wearing one of my favorite tops that happened to be a maternity top and some khaki pants. I only had "mommy"clothes and I put this together hoping it would look business casual...whatever that means. I just knew I needed this job. I needed to prove to myself that life was not over no matter how much I thought it truly was. I needed to fill my days. I needed to hide behind the facade of a regular person, not like the childless mother I was. My little buddy was gone. Ironically, "sink or swim" was the only metaphor I had in my head.

I got the job. I wanted to tell my mother but kept forgetting she had died 3 months prior to losing Noah. She would've been so proud of me. I met Stew and his wife about a week later. I was now a member of this small club that no one wants to be part of.

Something about the repetition of wine bottles on the shelves hypnotize me into a relaxed state. So does that sound crazy? Well, it's true. Each bottle has its own personality and promise of deliciousness or complexity or too tannic or too acidic or just the right balance of all. Each label is a work of art. Each bottle has the promise of a moment to lose yourself in a glass. I look for ways to lose myself on a daily basis...