rechartered territory?

It hit me last night that I may get to be a mommy again. Someone's mother. A child may look at me and breathe a sigh of relief...know I'll provide a snack...know I'll read them a book...know I'll cuddle on the couch...know I'll sing that song that makes them giggle. I just remembered how Hal would do "this little piggy" with Noah over and over and over again. Noah would practically stick his foot in Hal's face as his way of saying "again?". I loved seeing them together.  I loved our Sunday's together. We'd start planning our Sunday activity on Wednesday! We loved being just the three of us so much. I'd pack his diaper bag with sooo many extra outfits and snacks and books and toys. I'd lay out his clothes... the outfits that made me laugh. He had a pair of blue and yellow striped pajama pants that I would put on him during the day. They were happy looking and matched his always happy face. He loved to try to put his own socks and shoes on. He knew how to bring me a diaper from his room. It was so exciting to see him start to understand words. I miss him. I miss being his mommy. And I miss being anyone's mommy. It has to happen again...

bubbling forth

So the literal translation of the hebrew word for 'prophet' means to "bubble forth". To spill over with water, cleansing, baptising, spreading truth and refreshing. Noah loved the bathtub. Sometimes 3 times a day we'd end up in the tub. "Do you want to go bubbles?" I'd ask. He'd turn like a soldier on one foot and run for the bathroom almost grunting "bubblebubblesbubbles!!!!!". He was fascinated by the water. He'd try to make it stop coming out-stopping and starting the faucet. I'd just watch, facinated by him, making sure he didn't turn it all the way to the left for HOT water.

Noah has left me "bubbling forth" like a prophet. I share what I feel and what truths I learn along the way. Sharing the dark thoughts with the revelations...

Pizza and tunafish...

Today is two years since my mother died. So in her memory, I splurged on what we called supper when we were little. Pizza always came with tunafish, preferably with iceberg lettuce leaves on the side. It was my job to make the tunafish while my father went to pick up the pizza from TwoTony's.

DAY OFF vs. OFF DAY

I have a really hard time on my days off, home alone. That's when I really feel him missing. Holding him in front of the over-the-stove mounted microwave, counting down the seconds together while his milk gets warmed. He'd get so excited when it went down into single digits, eyes wide and smiling while he learned numbers. He was getting so heavy.
I had my routine down, flipping on the Keurig, taking the knives and forks quietly out of the dishwasher while Noah was still distracted by Sesame Street. When he heard any clinking sounds, he'd come running in and he'd be in charge of taking all the spoons out. "Good job!" I'd say after every spoon. I loved that look of accomplishment on his face. I wanted hime to grow up as proud of himself as we were of him.
I pushed myself to write this little entry today...it's been too long. Thank you Marybeth.

Is it the progesterone or just me?

I am feeling very overwhelmed today. Overwhelmed with the possibility that we will never have another baby. That we will never be able to afford the costs of ivf, donor eggs, shared donor eggs, adoption...Scared that when we do finally have a child again, it will make us miss Noah even more. The fertility treatments are wreaking havic on my body physically and emotionally. I can't believe I've lasted as long as I have in this process. I have to stop googling "progesterone side effects", "lower abdominal pain, left side, 3 days post transfer",
I feel like there is a "special purpose" I'm supposed to be concentrating on ( not like Steve Martin in The Jerk and his special purpose) Our first big step in making good  come from tragedy is something called Noah's Ordinance. This all came about without us even knowing. And everytime I say that I realize it comes out like an excuse or a plea to my family "don't be mad at me for bringing any negative attention on you all". The NJ
 Child Fatality and Near Fatality Review Board meets once a month and reviews all events in NJ. They decide what could have been done to have prevented the accident. A new ordinance was passed regarding that the pool itself must be fenced in with entry only through one locking gate. We found out about this by chance...
We were at themple for Friday night services, as we try to go every week. We sat down in the sanctuary and realized in the program that there was a baby namimg that night. We'd been having a particularly hard day and decided this would be emotional torture that we just didn't need. On the way out we said goodbye to our Cantor (who lives in Springfield). She mentioned that she was planning on building a pool and when she went to get her permit, they informed her of the law change. The "case" that changed the law was only referred to as "the death of N.L.". We decided to come forward and have everyone know who N.L.was and to hopefully help prevent this from happening to another family. Believe me, I have a sense of embarassment, shame, whatever, that I let this happen to my baby. Of course no one ever thought this would happen. Of course I watched my child like a hawk. That is the part I want to scream!!! That people still say I was irresponsible. It's a hurt you can't imagine. Sometimes I think God gave us this cross to bear (even though we're Jewish) because there is a deeper purpose, etc. Other days, I don't believe any God would've cut short the life of such a child. When people would ask how Noah was, my answer was always "he's ridiculous" "he's amazing" 'he's beyond words". I was never going to be one of those mothers who complained about their kids.

someone's in the kitchen...

I cooked last nite for the first time in a long time. Actually, I baked. It was a cherry/cream cheese pie with 3 tbsps of rum. Cooking is still hard...without Noah at my feet with his bowls and spatulas and jars of spices and measuring cups. The supermarket is still hard too. But I've heard that from lots of mothers. I also made BLT's. I'm bringing the rest of the pie to work today.

These fertility meds are really starting to effect my stomach. I know I can get pregnant again-I just feel it. And I actually think it won't even happen with medical help. We are going to an open house seminar for a private adoption agency on the 23rd. I'm trying to feel in my heart that however we become parents again, it will be because Noah sent that child to us. That was one of the last things we said to him at the funeral home. 'Make lots of friends and if you find a kid that is good for us and it's that kid's turn to come to earth, you send them to Momma and Da"

30 days at a time...

Living life 30 days at a time when going through fertility treatments. It must be hard enough for childless couples, but still doing our "grief work" and missing Noah in the most gut wrenching ways, these anxious 30 days are almost too much to bear. But I am not giving up. I just have to find different ways to get through the days...
Wanted to stop for bagels for everyone at work on Sunday morning. While I was waiting in the slowest moving line ever, I watched a little boy about Noah's age walk around and push chairs. Noah loved pushing and rearranging chairs. Then the little boy arched his back and leaned against his mother while eating a mini bagel...and my heart hit the floor. Little scenes like that trigger and show themselves all day long. And they probobly always will. I had to leave the bagel store after seeing that... mainly because the line wasn't moving and I was going to be late. But also because I needed to pace my sadness for the day. And that was too much sadness so early on into that Sunday.