Monday, August 15, 2011

Is it the progesterone or just me?

I am feeling very overwhelmed today. Overwhelmed with the possibility that we will never have another baby. That we will never be able to afford the costs of ivf, donor eggs, shared donor eggs, adoption...Scared that when we do finally have a child again, it will make us miss Noah even more. The fertility treatments are wreaking havic on my body physically and emotionally. I can't believe I've lasted as long as I have in this process. I have to stop googling "progesterone side effects", "lower abdominal pain, left side, 3 days post transfer",
I feel like there is a "special purpose" I'm supposed to be concentrating on ( not like Steve Martin in The Jerk and his special purpose) Our first big step in making good  come from tragedy is something called Noah's Ordinance. This all came about without us even knowing. And everytime I say that I realize it comes out like an excuse or a plea to my family "don't be mad at me for bringing any negative attention on you all". The NJ
 Child Fatality and Near Fatality Review Board meets once a month and reviews all events in NJ. They decide what could have been done to have prevented the accident. A new ordinance was passed regarding that the pool itself must be fenced in with entry only through one locking gate. We found out about this by chance...
We were at themple for Friday night services, as we try to go every week. We sat down in the sanctuary and realized in the program that there was a baby namimg that night. We'd been having a particularly hard day and decided this would be emotional torture that we just didn't need. On the way out we said goodbye to our Cantor (who lives in Springfield). She mentioned that she was planning on building a pool and when she went to get her permit, they informed her of the law change. The "case" that changed the law was only referred to as "the death of N.L.". We decided to come forward and have everyone know who N.L.was and to hopefully help prevent this from happening to another family. Believe me, I have a sense of embarassment, shame, whatever, that I let this happen to my baby. Of course no one ever thought this would happen. Of course I watched my child like a hawk. That is the part I want to scream!!! That people still say I was irresponsible. It's a hurt you can't imagine. Sometimes I think God gave us this cross to bear (even though we're Jewish) because there is a deeper purpose, etc. Other days, I don't believe any God would've cut short the life of such a child. When people would ask how Noah was, my answer was always "he's ridiculous" "he's amazing" 'he's beyond words". I was never going to be one of those mothers who complained about their kids.

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